June 28, 2014



Who will be the ultimate Survivor?

Here we go.  This ship is pulling away from the harbor in T minus 20.  What will happen within the walls of that big black submarine is reality show worthy and will be coming to you nearly live on this blog.

The cast of characters:

Eva.  The darling of the show.  She is a peacemaker and will tune out and ignore all forces working against her. She will entertain herself just by looking out the window for hours.  The greatest threat she poses is to whomever has to share a hotel bed with her.  She weakens her opponent in the most critical moments - sleep time.  Just when you think you have fallen into bed for some much needed rest, she will kick and thrash and pummel you in her sleep.

Eliza. The teenager disguised as a 4 year old.  She is a stealth observer of all that happens around her.  She hears your every word -- so don't say words like "pool tonight, maybe" quietly to your spouse because she. will. hear.  Most likely, in a single day, to go through all 5 pairs of underwear you packed for her.  Her secret weapon is to her likelihood to wet herself at any inopportune moment.

Sadie.  The comic relief.  The one who keeps you laughing.  The one who . . .just when you thought all was stable, will break out into dramatic sobs over unexplained offenses - like an ant on her leg.  You have to be mentally sharp and ready for dramatic shifts in the game at all times with this one.

Bridger.  Everyone knows he is their biggest threat in the game.  Prone to frequent, glass-shattering screams, throwing of food, splattering you with his formula when you least expect it, wanting everything that you have (even if he has the same thing himself).  And if that doesn't crack you, he will proceed to ask you the same question over and over and over.  Just to give the others a fair chance, Mom did buy everyone their own set of earplugs.  That should buy you an extra 45 minutes surviving the game against Bridger. 

Lance.  In the real world, he is incredibly patient and tolerant.  But will 14 straight hours of Dora in high definition will make brain mush of him?  Will he start singing along with Map by the end of the day?  If he performs as he has rehearsed, he will focus his energy on using his negotiating power to limit the dvd selection into a tolerable Tom and Jerry.  He will surely be weakened by Mom's hovering that will require equal amounts of reading and looking out the window to balance electronics time - where he usually derives his power from.

Mom.  Says she prefers to drive (her secret strategy is that it just makes Dad deal with everyone in the back), likes to sing along to the radio and will break into whistling during any song which is prone to drive certain "people" nuts.  She likes to make time - which means no bathroom stops before lunch - if lunch is even offered as an option.  She likes to push lunchtime until 3 and has killer skills when it comes to eating with one hand and driving with the other - to further her game plan of No Stops.  She was the force behind this whole idea so no matter how many regrets she has midway through the painful state of Nebraska, she has to keep her game face on that everything is just peachy.

Dad.  Thinks that every good roadtrip begins and ends with rootbeer barrels, does not like to eat in the car, prefers to use the restroom at least 5 times between 8am-11am and lives 90% of his life surrounded by calm quiet co-workers in a climate controlled environment.  How soon until the other players crack him?  He has no idea what is about to hit him.  Dun dun duuuuunnnn.  The joke is really on him.

Ty.  Really no threat.  He is just there to maximize the traveling circus image to all spectators.

Stayed tuned for upcoming episodes of Survivor - Larson Edition, as we zig zag our way across the United States hitting every accessible and/or family fun (and even the not-so-family fun) location in our path as we head to a specialized physical therapy program for Bridger. You just can't script material this good.