Once upon a time, I thought I was busy. I shudder to think of the naivete I had at that time to think such a thing. I know now what "busy" really feels like. At that time, I had four children under 5 years of age, a husband whose work schedule had him gone before the kids woke up and returning long after they had gone to bed. We were juggling extensive commitments outside of our home. I was busy. Or so I thought.
People would see the fullness of our plates and ask how we had time to do it all. My mantra at that time came from the teaching in chapter 14 of Matthew in the New Testament and I would continually say to myself, "He multiplied the loaves and the fishes, surely He can do so with our minutes and our hours."
I believed that to the core of me and every day we had enough time to do what we needed to do and we always had time for everything that was important.
Fast forward a few years and add to that a fifth child, and a diagnosis of that 4th child that would leave us adding dozens and dozens of hours every month to doctor's appointments, consecutive night after night without sleep, the demands of the older children in their activities and such, mounds of administrative paperwork for insurance, IEP and equipment matters and such, a husband whose job is just as demanding as it ever was. . . you get the picture. I am safely labeling myself as "busy" now.
It exhausts me to even think about it. I don't know how I manage each day and if I were to look at the future I would surely shrink into a hole and wave my white flag of surrender. I don't have what it takes.
I still have faith that my minutes are multiplied, just as the loaves.
But that miracle has extended beyond my time. Every single way that I have felt inadequate and insufficient for the demands before me has been multiplied. My energy has been multiplied, my nickels have been multiplied, my patience has been multiplied, my gratitude has been multiplied as has my love.
The disciples set forth to feed the 5,000 knowing that what they had in their basket was not enough. They fed the multitude not just some scant scraps, but each until they were filled and returned with their baskets full.
Do you ever wonder the mechanics of such a miracle? Did the bread continue to grow in the basket? Did angels come and refill the basket without being seen? How did it happen?
These past few weeks I have felt that my basket was empty and that this time I did not have enough left to "feed" others and do the daunting tasks of my week that lay before me. I knelt down and prayed for what little energy I had to be multiplied.
In my case, angels that were seen came and refilled my basket. A plate of brownies appeared on my doorstep that afternoon. A slew of emails appeared within a couple hours of my prayer, thanking me for some inspiration or example I had been to them. I received a couple texts from sweet friends checking on me. The next day a basket appeared on my doorstep, full of yummy spa products as encouragement from a sister-in-law. Another package came with an inspirational pillow from a new friend and supporter in this journey. One morning I heard some banging around from the kitchen downstairs. It was 5:30 in the morning. I thought my house must be in the process of being robbed. I didn't even care and laid there listening to what I thought were robbers ransacking my kitchen. It turned out to be my 12 year old son who had set his alarm for 5:00 on a school morning to make a big breakfast for the entire family. I came down to the table meticulously set and a spread of pancakes. He smiled big and said that after the couple hard days he had watched me have with Bridger that he thought I could benefit from getting this day off to a good start. What 12 year old does that?!? I just hugged him.
The multiplying list goes on. All throughout the week my basket was continually filled. In my case, the miracle came from angels around me, quietly slipping extra loaves and fishes in my basket.
One thing I know with a certainty, God gave me Bridger, He will not forsake me now.
That point has been taken to task many times and for every single thing I have gone on my knees and made a request to Him for has been granted. Every. Single. Time. I use that power carefully and am certain and sure of the need of what I am asking for. With being given the stewardship of care for His most special and delicate child has come an assurance that I will be cared for in the process.
I still don't know how I still have enough energy, patience, time, money, etc. for all that I have to do -- and have my basket still be full at the end of each day. But I do, and am so grateful for each and every angel that has been a facilitator to that miracle.
He has multiplied the loaves and fishes. He can do so with every aspect of our lives, both tangible and not.